On Faith
Back in my hard atheist days, one of my famous words was “I have faith in atheism.” I thought I was the King of Logic and Truth by being able to acknowledge that I can’t prove God isn’t real any more than you can prove he is. Looking back on that today, I can only hear the first three words …… I have faith.
Faith is assured and kinetic. There is a conviction behind the happening. A farmer has faith that their artichoke seeds will yield a glorious dinner. Faith puts in work, faith has a system of belief and sees the symbiosis between the self, community and the world. Faith is not alone, faith is held. The thing is already in hand, we awaken to that truth, we walk in that field of growing, we witness and engage in the process.
I had faith in atheism as a twenty-something. As a teen, I found faith in friendships and stories. As a child, I had faith in animals and the wild. All of these subjects of my fool’s paradise held in common the idea that I had but to be present to be worthy of their love and language. Driving my faith is a backbone idea that the universe thrives and aims for health, a powerful optimism about the future, an ease of acceptance.
It is faith that has allowed me to heal from abuse, violence, addiction, and mental illness. In each of those spaces, there was a deep part of me, an inner core, that just knew things would get better and that I could be in a better place. I believed that I could find that heaven on earth, against all odds and no matter what stood in my way. And I still feel this as a fundamental truth! It doesn’t mean I always get what I want, it is so much more subtle than that. I often have no idea what I want, but have faith that the universe will bring it my way as long as I’m doing my best to be authentic and of service.
I enjoy being in action in a space of faith and optimism. This is what has fueled my lifelong arts practice, my dedication to the river and her systems, and my newly found service work. This is why my resume reads like a Vonnegut novel, we out here doin’ the everything thing. There’s an infinity in each aspect of the world, no matter how small. I’m endlessly curious and diving into whatever is in front of me that feels interesting … and basically everything is!
I’ve been looking for a ‘central pillar’ of my being … and I believe it is faith. The faith I have in being able to find safety, of having value, of being lovable, of being able to care for myself and others, of laughter and especially of recovery. My metaphor for this central pillar is a simple stone, a rock, a part of the broad Earth in her vibrant Universe. My mantra for this load-bearing part of my shine is I am the rock that moves.
Why am I writing all this now? It is to testify. Change is possible. Recovery is possible. Health is possible. Not just possible, but present and available. All require work and action. There’s no quick fix, the journey is necessary to the healing. But every part on this journey is exactly what you need to be able to welcome the light within. No part of the pain is wasted. I’m afraid to say I’m living proof, but I’m living proof. I’m in the spirit of facing my fears. On the other side of the terror is an unexpected heaven.
